Sunday, April 22, 2012

Cracking the Code

I’ve had a lot of music that I love “in the queue” for years that I just can’t use as the basis of a dance routine.  There are some codes I just can’t crack.  Even if I keep trying and come up with something, I usually don’t like it.  I’m trying to make something out of nothing.  For me, anyway, some songs remain unusable, no matter how much I love them.

Recently, a dear friend of mine who is trying to take care of an elderly parent went through a process that I recognized because it was so similar to my own.

My friend’s dad was always, and remains (duh) very difficult.  Somehow we always feel that if we try one more thing — a new doctor, a new medication, a new place to live – the people we love might finally “get it” and change.  My friend acquiesced to every request.  He really knocked himself out.  We were trying to say to him, “Stop!  Your dad is not going to be any different, no matter what you do!”  But he just kept thinking, “Okay, this will be the last thing.”  “No.  Okay, this will be the last thing.”  Then he hit the wall.

This is so similar to when people kept pointing out to me that I was an enabler.  I had to do what I had to do until I realized that there was no filling an empty bucket with a hole in it.  I couldn’t fix my “bucket” and neither could my friend.

He and I had to finally let go.  We both had to understand that there are some codes that just can’t be cracked.  There are people who can’t change, no matter how much we think we can love them into it. 

In this case, letting go doesn’t mean not loving.  It means accepting and loving anyway.

You can love the song and not be able to dance to it the way you want to.

But you still love the song.


  1. I am most definitely an enabler (over and over again) I've found by ending the actions which enable the pain and frustration more quickly subside then anticipated as does the self recrimination of turning away from that which you can't change. Stronger is sense of pride from the strength in a healing conviction of the right choice as it will hopefully be to the enablee. My friend once said to me, you don't get points in heaven for (enabling).

    Sue, as always, you so beautifully talk about a subject in encompassing way as to look inward at so very many aspects of our lives

  2. Thank you so much for your comment, Pam! I find this particular issue something I really have to watch, (as you say "over and over again")!

  3. So very true, my dear. Finding acceptance, compassion, and unconditional love is a choice that never fails. xoxo