Halo, Angels, and My Dad

In my photograph, November Marsh 04, there are clouds that remind me of a halo. It looks like a “z” and it feels to me like a message. It makes a happy picture seem a bit more joyful. Almost like there is an angel blessing the beauty of the marsh.

I often think of my parents, who have both passed on. Even though they cannot be seen physically, I often feel their presence.

They had a troubled relationship and separated when I was six. My father moved to New York and we were in Pittsburgh. I did not see my dad very often and he had another family by the time I was in high school. Let me say here that I do not blame either of my parents – they were loving people and I know that they both did the best they could in the only way they knew, just as I have tried to be a good and loving parent. I loved my parents. I still do.

 My dad was a nice guy but he was inattentive and just not there. And as children do, I put the blame on myself, feeling not good enough, funny enough, smart enough, etc. As a result, I never really felt that my dad thought about me or loved me very much. After my dad died, I had an amazing experience. I was asleep, but what I experienced did not seem like a dream. It felt real. I saw my dad surrounded by light and I felt completely blissful. I said in joyful amazement, “Dad, I thought you were dead! What are you doing here?” He said, “I’m not dead” and handed me what I thought was a driver’s license because he didn’t look like himself, although I knew it was him. It was his death certificate and he said again, “I’m not dead.” I hugged him and told him I loved him. He said, “I love you. I loved you before. And I love you still.”

I felt as the song “Halo” says, I’m surrounded by your embrace, standing in the light of your halo.

I believe that it was his spirit telling me something I needed to hear all my life. He probably told me he loved me many times when he was alive, but I don’t think I ever quite believed him.

I do now.

I was wondering yesterday whether I should write this post in honor of Fathers’ Day. I was in a sculpting class, thinking about my dad and a song he liked. One of the lyrics goes, I love a flower girl. Suddenly, the song boomed from the class speakers. It was the last one on the playlist. Coincidence?  I don’t think it was.

We have a collective halo. We are all light beings. We are all connected. When we can remember that what we see, touch, and feel is not the sum total of what’s real, we can begin to receive messages and love from those who have passed on. It is not so crazy – animals can see and hear things that we can’t perceive. So why is it crazy to think that people who loved us so dearly ever really leave us?

“Tell me one last thing,” said Harry. “Is this real? Or has this been happening inside my head?”“Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?” Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows by JK Rowling.

I wish you all a Happy Fathers’ Day!  

And thank you, Dad.