Inevitably, (it seems) I torture myself with doubt
and insecurity when I feel like it’s time to do new choreography. As much as I’ve tried to give myself an
alternate process, I seem to go down the same road every time. When I am over-trying to work on a song I
only like (not love) and nothing, NOTHING, is coming to me, I say to myself,
“O.K., this isn’t working and there doesn’t seem to be any song that’s moving
me, so stop it. Now, what do I want to
do right now?” I do something else, but
there’s always the grrrrrrr underneath it and worse, the feeling of somehow not
being legitimate.
Feeling not-good-enough has dogged me most of my
life. I understand that it is my fault
that I feel this way. It’s a journey (in
my case, apparently a long one) that I have to undertake on my own.
Certainly, I am blessed to have many support systems
(husband, children, friends, clients, family) that cheer me on the way and,
yes, figuratively slap me around sometimes.
I have a friend who calls this “slap therapy.” It is helpful.
This week I broke through this lifelong hell-of-my-own-making.
All it took was hearing the “right” song.
And once I finished the dance, I felt cheerful and
energized. For me, finishing a creative
project is a lot like being in love. It
is exhilarating.
A friend recently said to me, as I was lamenting my
“stuckness,” that the process seemed sort of like giving birth -- painful, but
happy in the end. And worth the pain.
It made me think that in all aspects of my life, I
have to get over striving to create and
realize that it is only what truly moves me that can make me dance. Pure joy is found in labors of love (not “like”).
Maybe I should accept that this angst I put myself
through is just the way it is. Or just
the way I am. It seems to me now that somehow
it is worth it. I always do end up in a
good place – even though I am sure I won’t.
(Yes. Every single time I am sure I won’t.) Clearly, I have to wait for the right song.
Sometimes we have to wait for the right person, the
right situation, or the right words.
Once the right one comes along, we just have to
trust and follow our instincts. It pretty
much always leads to a place of joy.
If only I could stay there!
